28 6 / 2014
I haven’t written in a long time.
My previous relationship was defined by the absence of affection and respect and catered to the needs of someone who couldn’t, and wouldn’t, love me.
I started dating someone new, someone who felt just “right.” It’s unexplainable, really, but I had that cliche gut feeling when you just know that you’ve met someone who is truly special. It was like my heart said, “Finally. You’re here.”
I realize that’s a bit intense, and I’m not sitting here saying that it was true love or anything corny like that. It was just the acknowledgment that I found someone who got me—someone who possessed a genuine interest in getting to know me and understanding why I am the way I am.
This relationship came to a halt a few days ago. In the grand scheme of things, we only dated for four months. Not too long, but long enough to know that you have something good.
The timing just wasn’t right.
I understand where he was coming from, but there’s also a part of me that feels punished by his own lack of communication.
He ran away.
I’ve been feeling the most raw, genuine sadness for the past few days. The anguish is overwhelming.
I know that I’ll be fine at the end of the day, but the sheer realization that I lost that “something good” makes me cry every time.
25 1 / 2014
"The most important things are the hardest to say because words diminish them."
25 1 / 2014
"I have scars on my hands from touching certain people."
31 12 / 2013
I keep reflecting on the past year, but I feel as if my efforts are in vain. 2013 has been clouded by pain. A lot of pain. While there were many precious moments that filled my heart with happiness, there were significant life events that wounded me and ultimately forced me to grow.
I lost a best friend, I graduated college and was thrust into the ambiguous “real world,” faced unemployment and the insecurities that accompany it, developed an almost-eating disorder, and stood by a man who I loved so deeply, yet who put himself first and me last. A man who has been wonderful in some respects, but has traumatized me in many others.
I am so thankful for my friends. They have been my rock. They have stood by me, even when they watched me suffer as I stood by someone who continuously hurt me.
I definitely know what I want and what I don’t want out of a relationship. I always did, but I overlooked many qualities that many would deem “red flags” because I loved him. I simply loved him, and that was enough for me. There will always be a part of me that longs for him, but I’ve learned to accept that and will slowly move on.
I am determined to make the most of 2014. I want to sit at my computer on December 31, 2014 and easily recount every happy moment. I’m facing a lot of big changes for the upcoming year, and I pray that they will ultimately be happy changes.
I want someone to give me the same amount of love and devotion as I give them. I never thought that would be too much to ask for, but apparently it is.
I want a job, an apartment, and old & new friends.
I am haunted by the memories of 2013, and I want to leave them behind as the new year begins.
It’s time to move on.